Bloody ‘ell it’s a New Year… Again! There’s nothing I dread more than my Facebook feed suddenly flooded with overly gushing sonnets of couples ready to embark on the rest of their lives together, fatties declaring their latest falling out with food and cancer gamblers trying to request some sort of praise for taking a stick out of their mouth.
I don’t believe in resolutions – never have, never will. I’m all for trying to better yourself but I hate to break it to you world; swapping a 12 for a 13 doesn’t cause a magical unicorn to trot along and poop invincible dust all over your righteous self. THIS YEAR, HOWEVER, I AM A BRAND NEW WOMAN cliches here> and I have decided to write a few… but no no, not for me, for you guys! After re-reading my favourite Journalist Charlie Brooker’s article on resolutions from last year I couldn’t help coming up with a few myself…for you. I’m all about giving.
- Scouse brows are not fashionable. They do not turn you into a sex goddess and they certainly don’t make you Cara Delevingne. You do, however, make Sandy Cohen look like a Christmas fairy. So why do they exist? It is my belief that the person who invented them should be shot for offending my eyes. I’ve had many a restless night pondering over the scouse brow mystery – Why are they on this earth? What have they come to do? Is there something hiding beneath them ready to attack me? I think I could write a 10 year long dissertation on them and I would still not understand their purpose.“I’m having a bit of an ugly day today. Do you know what will cheer me up? Grabbing a crayon and drawing two scalene triangles above my eyes. Yeah, that’s just the ticket”. But you must remember kids beauty is in the eye of the beholder… but that doesn’t count if you can’t see their eyes for a strange shape is blocking them.
- Needing a boyfriend is not a vital need on the Sims and therefore is not a vital need in real life. Yes, I do live my life by rules the sims. I wash when I smell, I eat when I’m hungry and I go to the toilet before I wet myself all over the Newbies new floor. I haven’t died yet so I think I’m winning. Magic huh? (*DISCLAIMER* I DO NOT REMOVE LADDERS FROM SWIMMING POOLS AND LET PEOPLE DROWN IN REAL LIFE…) It has, however, never occurred to me that I might suddenly drop dead if I don’t have someone’s name ‘less than three’d’ on my phone. I must state, I don’t mean I hate everyone in a relationship, otherwise mankind is in serious danger, just those annoying girls that flick from one relationship to the other never giving themselves time to breathe. “Here carry all my emotional baggage along with my shopping bags please.” Remember there’s only one you. Sure two halves make a whole but what’s better than that is two wholes – Make yourself great, have hobbies and friends and then invite someone to come share it with you.
- Diets are utterly ridiculous. Half of them are unrealistic and do more damage than good. They make you uptight, inflexible and moody and what is the good side if you do manage to stick to it? You lose a lot of weight…fast? That doesn’t make your inner fat any better and it won’t improve your tone so you’ll still be saggy Sally. There is also a high chance you’ll put the weight back on and probably more so, so please do everyone a favour and quit it. Also do you want me to let you on to a secret? Exercise and a healthy diet have a 100% success rate. So please put the donut down and just go for a run.
- Tribal tattoos? Really? I must’ve missed the part of your gap yah stories where you were lost at sea only to be washed ashore of a remote Polynesian island and proceeded to befriend the local tribe after initially being hunted for you massive man meat and just before you were rescued you had huge swirly patterns etched onto your skin as a reminder of your bravery. (Did I go too far?) GOSH, I wonder why a BBC news reporter hasn’t interviewed you yet after spotting this work of art? Because everyone bloody has one that’s why! The reason these annoy me is because they have been trending so much they’ve completely lost any meaning they once had along the way. Just imagine the poor Polynesian chief shaking in his sand boots after the news hits him that every pale freckled man in England is sporting his 1000 year old tradition. You should be ashamed. Same goes for those of you with Chinese symbols…Unless you’re actually Chinese and you actually wanted cheese written on your foot in transcript.
- Did you know it’s illegal not to point at your friends when a club photographer is taking your picture? Well it’s not, but you’d bloody think it flicking through ‘CRASHBANGWALLOP WE’RE GONNA PARDY LIKE IT’S 1999”s event photos. As a female, I’ve often wondered what this represents… Is it a subconcious thing? ‘I’m pointing at this person because I actually think they’re much cooler than I am and I can’t believe they’re hanging around with me.’ Or could it be the opposite? An expression of dominance. ‘Check out this smooth fingers ladeez. Play your cards right and these could be inside of you later.’ Either way it’s not working lads as A. Your friends is going to get tagged in the photo and realise what a tool he is hanging around with and B. Most ‘ladeez’ will realise what a tool is trying to come on to them. Try smiling next time lads!
- People that feel the need to update Facebook on every stage of their night out need to get a grip. Sadly I have friends that do this and am yet to find out the backstory behind a passion for wanting to be stalked. Seriously, you’re asking for it aren’t you? ‘Get ready with the girls…tits or legs?’ ‘Decided to go with both hehe, ready to pull’ ‘Feeling tipsy already ‘ ‘In the cab on the way into town woooo’ ‘Loving like Y2K!!!!!’ ‘Oops I was just sick on my shoe in the kebab shop. Over and out.’ Anyone would think there was nothing better to do… Is a night out a national event that I don’t know about? Are we creating a memory log here so that people 3000 years from now can look back and think ‘Ahh the good old days…being sick in Kebab houses’. I just don’t know.
- I don’t know why people that can’t differentiate between they’re, their and there annoy me… But they do. I think it’s because I want to protect people from LOOKING STUPID. If you’re foreign I’ll forgive you because English is a damn hard language to learn and you can probably speak it better than half of the country anyway but natives… You are damn lucky enough to be born into one of the best (arguably) countries in the world, and it is not hard, so please take the time to learn some basic skills of the language. Either that I will start a campaign so that everyone has to have a basic grammar test before they are allowed to create a Facebook page…
OVER AND OUT.